


toxicity (eating seeds as a past time activity)

by cherryhiraeth



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Overdosing, Substance Abuse, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 04:24:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20325055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryhiraeth/pseuds/cherryhiraeth
Summary: In which jaehyun is in love with taeyong who is out of touch with reality





	toxicity (eating seeds as a past time activity)

They were a relatively new group performing in a shit hole somewhere in Gangnam’s dark night life. The floor held maybe fifty people, and only a little over half of them were actually singing along to their songs. It felt good though. How the fans would scream the lyrics they wrote back to them. It sent a rush of adrenaline through Taeyong and as he strummed his fingers that much harder, he almost thought they would bleed.

He looked back to Johnny who was playing the drums and smiled. He then let his eyes linger over to their lead singer, Jaehyun, as the male seemed to take over the stage. He knew just how passionate Jaehyun was about his career path and he was so happy they all got to live out their dreams.

He couldn’t believe that after all the nights they would spend together, trying new sounds, dreaming out loud it all paid off.

It felt like the beginning of their career was finally taking off and Taeyong couldn’t swipe the big grin off his face.

“That was such a great show guys!” Taeyong bowed to the fans and left the stage after a few more words.

“They knew the words, how fucking crazy is that?” Jaehyun smiled at Taeyong’s excitement while Johnny merely laughed. The lyrics they spent so long on, people were actually paying attention to them and it made his heart pound relentlessly.

“This is just the start guys.” The words leave Johnny’s mouth confidently and they all shared a group hug and promised to give their all and to never forget where they started.

-

And Johnny was right. Whether it was a bluff or some kind of physic bullshit, it came true. A few months later they had gigs practically all over South Korea and the general public took a liking to their band. They had catchy songs and their stage presence was something everyone wanted to see in person.

After their third show in a row, he felt his body become sluggish. Too tired from show after show to party after party. Taeyong watched as Johnny rolled a blunt and passed it to him. Not even a second passed before he took it from his band member. He had taken weed before so it wasn’t a big deal and he knew it would help him sleep which he craved more than ever.

It also became a good sense of relief, the calm that washed over him whenever they were booked for multiple gigs without any space. He knew he could fall into and plus, weeds never killed anyone.

He remembers how one night when he and Johnny had been smoking up, Jaehyun had stood idly by the door just watching over them. Taeyong had begun to notice that the younger male would do that whenever it was just him and Johnny in the room. When Taeyong had caught Jaehyun’s eyes, he saw a glint of something that looked like possessiveness but he wasn’t sure whether he was envisioning it because he was high or because Johnny had moved just that bit more closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist.

-

They had lived the good life for about half a year and it was all so good, until it wasn’t.

He can barely even remember how it all started. He vaguely remembers it being a few months in when they had released a song that went viral. As the venues got bigger, so did the parties. And as their circle became bigger, Jaehyun began skipping out on things. The younger male would settle for writing songs in his spare time, not as keen as the others to get trashed.

One of Johnny’s friends from Chicago had come over to celebrate their success and told them that they were going to have a good time. That they were going to party like the rockstars do back at home. Taeyong also slightly remembers that the male was quite touchy with him throughout the night, and how he seemed to look at Johnny for permission rather than himself.

He remembers the male making show of a small bag with some kind of white powder casually. After hesitantly declining the first line Johnny’s friend had offered him, he watched as the male sniffed it up and how he didn’t seem immensely different afterwards. He had never done a hard drug before and couldn’t deny the shaking in his hands when he felt them stare at him expectantly. Taeyong felt like he was fighting with his morals, but after the first hit of the substance he couldn’t remember anything after that. His memories came back with blanks, only remembering things that he knew weren’t vital. After that, all he knew was that he didn’t feel _tired_ for the first time in months.

The second time he had done it was only because Johnny said they were going to go clubbing and that if he really wanted to keep up with them, he would do it. He also thinks it might’ve started as something to help with keeping up with the unhealthy amount of sleep they were getting. Or maybe it was to help with concentration for whenever they had a rough recording session. He’s not addicted to it though, no, he would never let himself reach that state.

It wasn’t all too bad though. After a while the pounding in his head when he would wake up the next day started to feel like it was normal. All the things that had become heightened, the colours that became brighter and the sounds that became clearer, after taking the drug so regularly, seemed to become dull. After a while he’d start taking more, almost double the amount, scared his body had become used to the substance and he wouldn’t have anything else to rely on.

All he knew was now it didn’t feel right _not_ to take it, and it seemed to do wonders in comparison to weed.

-

He sees how Jaehyun looks at him when he takes a drag. His head falling back, shirt falling off his shoulder and collarbones exposed for just a second longer than normal.

They had just finished a show and the amount of people that showed up was crazy. The energy was through the roof and his fingers had cuts from the intensity of his playing.

He feels the fatigue in the way his body slumps against the wall outside the venue they had just performed at. Taeyong always finds it funny how Jaehyun follows him outside even though the younger male doesn’t smoke.

They rarely talk anymore even if Jaehyun is constantly by his side. It’s like they had drifted apart due to morality, and Jaehyun was the only thing to keep him stable, yet the male had backed off from telling Taeyong what to do when all it would end in was a fight.

When he can barely function and is laying in bed, he likes to think about the time before they had become successful. How Jaehyun would sing him to sleep if he had trouble sleeping, how even though he was younger, Jaehyun would constantly dote on Taeyong making sure he wasn’t having trouble with anything.

Taeyong likes to think not much has changed, but he sees it in the way Jaehyun’s gaze has gone from adoring to concerned and distant.

The imagine in his head of Jaehyun becomes distorted when he looks up and it’s actually Johnny coming towards him, offering him harder drugs with a devilish smile on his face.

-

It had been a year of travelling and doing gigs everywhere and Taeyong was thriving, or so he thought.

Taeyong was in the bedroom in the hotel they are staying at, sitting in front of one of the mirrors. He almost cringes when he sees his reflection looking back at him for a second. His face had sunken in and his jawline was more apparent than ever. His hand comes up to run through his hair and even his hair seemed lifeless. The sight of himself is only on his mind for a second before he wipes it out with something else. The hesitation is gone and he feels the ache in his hands as they come by his side restlessly.

He pulls out his little baggie and tips out roughly a quarter of the contents. His hands move before his brain even begins to process it. It’s scary how it’s become a ritual of sorts for almost the past year. He’s grabbing at his ID, cutting and shifting at the white powder on his night stand. He tries to find a note in his wallet, feeling frustrated at not finding one, stuff it he thinks. He brings his head down to the night stand and presses and finger against his nose, inhaling the substance.

When he hears the shower turn on in Jaehyun’s room next to his he almost feels a sharp pain in his chest. When he turns back to his reflection in the mirror next to him, this time he can’t help the cry that rips from his throat. When did everything turn this way? He can’t even remember the last time he talked to Jaehyun without not properly processing the younger's words. The Jaehyun who was always by his side making sure he was okay, stayed to himself now. Letting Taeyong and Johnny do what they want since it was like anything he said was because he was inexperienced.

-

Jaehyun would watch as the older male would fluidly move across the stage, one hand strumming hard at his guitar, the other coming up to swipe at his nose irregularly.

His fingers ghost over the pronounced jawline and sunken eyes but he never trusts himself enough to let his hands actually engulf Taeyong.

He watches as the males clothes take his place instead, barely fitting him, seeming as though they never stuck or fit to his body anymore.

-

They had made their way back to the hotel after hearing from their management that they were going to start recording a new album.

After a few months break and a rather heavy drift between Jaehyun and the two other band members. The management called for a meeting and presented some files and then after about half an hour of discussion, they left.

Jaehyun was left to watch as Johnny almost immediately went to take something out of his pockets. “Aw, are you trying to be a man now, _Jaehyun-ah_?” Johnny scoffs as Jaehyun tries to take the bag from him.

Taeyong watches them feeling powerless. He can barely remember what he did last night and he just wants to make the pounding in his head go away. Another album? It feels like they barely had a break. Time just seemed to zip by too quickly as of lately.

He knows his body is swaying from left to right by the way Jaehyun is about to reach out to him with concern.

“Please hyung, look at me.” Jaehyun feels his voice almost crack when Taeyong finally does look at him. It’s just that the eyes staring back at his aren’t actually _there_. His pupils are large, dilated and constantly darting back and forth. He doesn’t even know if his hyung even heard anything he had said before.

“Oh Jaehyun, you finally wanna join us?” It’s Johnny again, and he interrupts them by pushing Taeyong’s body onto the couch. Johnny looks up at Jaehyun with an eyebrow raised. Before he’s able to even get a word out, Taeyong is taking something from Johnny’s hand, clearly not phased by Jaehyun’s presence anymore.

“Go practice your lines or _something_.” With a shove to his chest, Jaehyun is pushed out of the room and just before the door closes in his face, he sees Johnny pull out a small bag with blue pills.

-

They were on stage and even though they were a band; a team, the chemistry was slowly but surely deteriorating. 

If fans had noticed a change, their loud chanting had heavily camouflaged it. The screams were still there and the gigs were still coming occasionally, funnily enough.

Jaehyun still felt the lyrics to their songs though. Their heavier tones felt like a recital of what was going through his mind and he never thought he would actually be living through them.

And if he didn’t showcase that dazzling smile like he used to, or his words of thanks at the end of their shows began to get shorter and shorter, he couldn’t find it in himself to care anymore.

Jaehyun no longer stuck around backstage after the shows, instead finding himself wandering around the lonely streets with one name stuck on his mind. Trying to shrug off the thought that maybe he was the one creating the distance. All he knew was that the two members identities seemed to switch from brothers to strangers in the shortest amount of time.

-

Jaehyun is in the recording studio when he receives the call from their manager. It sends him crumbling to the floor and he feels like the walls are closing in on him. The recording session had only just started but this was way more important than any session. He has to get to Taeyong and quickly.

-

“Hyung, I just told you that Johnny’s in the hospital from ODing!” Jaehyun’s jaw is clenched and his voice booms throughout the hotel room.

“What?” Taeyong’s eyes are slightly glassy but he still can’t connect the words spilling from Jaehyun’s mouth and _fuck_, when did it get so hard to communicate with people?

“Maybe you’ve just always got something in your fucking system that you don’t _realise_ what’s reality anymore. Have you not seen how he has been for _months_ now? Hell! How _you’ve_ been for months!?”

“What the fuck?” The jab hits Jaehyun’s chest hard and he knows he has pissed Taeyong off but if he will finally get a reaction, he’ll do it again. 

He hasn’t even been taking _that_ much, and he doesn’t _always_ have something in his fucking system. He’s not some kind of drug addict!

Except, while Jaehyun’s rambling to him about leaving now to go to the hospital, all he can think about is how the younger male is right. It infuriates him and he tries to rebuttal quickly, thinking of the many times he _hasn’t_ been under the influence, but it hits him really hard because he _can’t_.

“-you hear me? You two have fucking lost it and it’s ended up with Johnny in the hospital. I should’ve known.” Jaehyun’s shoulders heave with the anger that’s exuding from his body.

“You think you’re so good don’t you?” Taeyong sneers in disgust as he watches the younger male build up an invisible wall of sensibility between them.

“Wow, look, it’s the lead singer of a rock band who hasn’t lost himself in drugs! Let’s praise him!” Taeyong mocks, he feels his face go red from yelling.

“Wake up! No one cares.” The invisible wall breaks when Taeyong takes another step forward in anger, another jab to Jaehyun’s chest with each word.

“And you don’t fucking know me, _kid_.” The words are vicious when they fall from Taeyong’s mouth and they hit harder than Jaehyun wanted to allow them to.

He decides to give up for today and leave. He knows it only hurts because it’s true, he doesn’t know who Taeyong is anymore. He doesn’t spare another second to watch how Taeyong flips the hotel room over in frustration. He doesn’t see how Taeyong becomes even more desperate for the drugs, trying to get Jaehyun’s words out of his head.

-

They had been staying at the hospital for two days now. Jaehyun managing to get Taeyong out of his room and dragging him to the hospital. It was almost driving him crazy how bleak and lifeless the hospital walls are, and how they don’t make anything easier. Taeyong tries to hold back his tears as he watches the nurse hook up some IV bag. A voice in his head tells him that it could’ve been him but he tries even harder to focus on what the nurses are talking about.

“I’m-” Jaehyun starts, he’s sitting next to the hospital bed. Taeyong almost feels guilty when he really looks at the younger male for the first time and sees how tired Jaehyun looks. He knows that Jaehyun rarely speaks up and that this has been the first time all three of them have been together since just before the preparation of their new album.

“I want to leave the band.” His tense shoulders finally come down once the words spill from his lips.

“Everything’s gotten out of control..” Jaehyun doesn’t wait for a response, “We all used to be so close and then we tasted the tiniest bit of fame and you two- just-“

Taeyong goes stiff when he hears the broken laugh Jaehyun lets out too roughly.

“You know, this is the first time I’ve seen you sober in a year and a half?” Tears come flowing down Taeyong’s cheeks with the way Jaehyun’s looking at him like it’s a fucking miracle. It _is_ a miracle to a certain degree, being in the hospital made it hard for him to get his hands on anything but he can’t deny the twitching and craving that runs through his body.

“What am I going to do without you?” It comes out like a whisper and he’s surprised he even managed to get the words out of his clogged throat. He wipes the tears from his eyes and looks expectantly at Jaehyun. The younger male who had always been there for him. He watches as Jaehyun stands up from his chair and makes his way to the door.

“I’m not your _fucking_ babysitter.” Jaehyun doesn’t bother to turn back, body already out the door. He knew it was harsh but it was set as a reminder to Taeyong, and at this point he thinks, maybe it was for himself as well.

-

Whenever they were touring Taeyong had a habit of going hard at the after parties. The male also had a habit of letting himself get a few seconds away from blacking out by the end of the night. When _no one_’s there to help him, when he would search the streets with no money. When he had a patch in his memory of what hotel they were staying at now, he lets his finger press the speed dial button.

Jaehyun drags his body into the shower. He holds the older males naked body and scrubs the sweat and other substances off of him. The only time Taeyong is ever conscious is when Jaehyun shoves his fingers down his throat, making him throw up whatever is left in his system. He feels the tears escape from his tear ducts as he pukes stomach acid from not having eaten anything. From there Jaehyun would brush his teeth, put on his pyjamas, and make sure the blankets are over Taeyong’s body before turning off the light and making his way back to his hotel room. That had become Jaehyun’s routine for the past year and a half. A routine that Taeyong surely had no idea about.

-

Jaehyun finds himself standing in front of Taeyong’s door. It had been a month since Johnny had been discharged and he finally felt like he should settle things with Taeyong. He shifts his weight back and forth between his feet as he tries to gather courage.

When the courage finally surges through him, he opens the door that had been unlocked and swings it open. He almost does a double take as he sees Taeyong taking off his clothes in a hurry, now standing completely naked in front of him.

“Jaehyun-ah, did you come here to fuck me?” Taeyong’s eyes are hooded as he guides Jaehyun to the wall backwards. He lets his back hit the wall while a hand reaches up to Jaehyun’s shirt.

“No.” Jaehyun tries to move past him, grabbing the hand on his shirt and pushing it away. Not even bothering to wonder what’s got the older male going this time. Or why it seemed like he was already getting undressed for someone else.

“I know you’re in love with me,” Jaehyun inhales sharply and turns back to look at Taeyong who is making his way over to him. There’s a wicked smile on his face and it’s times like these Jaehyun wishes they could go back a few years. To when Jaehyun still felt like he actually meant something to the older boy.

“_No_, I’m in love with the old you. Not _this._” It comes out bitterly and he can feel Taeyong’s breath on his. His breath smells like a mix of alcohol and something else that he doesn’t want to know of. It’s heartbreaking honestly, how Jaehyun would give every inch of his heart to the male in front of him and that he would never know.

“Oh Jaehyun!” Johnny’s voice suddenly sounds through the room and his heart drops. He turns and sees Johnny shirtless, making his way out from the bathroom.

Something clicks in his head and he thinks he should’ve known long ago why Johnny and Taeyong had been closer than ever lately. He remembers seeing the blue pills the day of their new album discussion, and everything just starts to make sense.

“You’ve been _fucking_ drugging him with viagra?” He feels the disgust that takes over him and how his heart seems to break even more. The fact that he used to think of Johnny like a brother.

“Come on Jaehyun-ah, we all know you’ve been dying to get your hands on Taeyong." The words drawl from Johnny's mouth, seemingly uncaring. "Now’s your time! I can finally sit back and relax for once.”

Jaehyun feels his blood boil and he has half the mind to just turn and leave right then. He doesn’t though, not when Taeyong’s presence starts to seem so.. lifeless.

“Is _that_ it? Is this even remotely consensual? Does he even _know _what you’re doing to him?” The questions leave his mouth in a hurry as he moves towards Taeyong. He takes a glance over at Taeyong again and notices that he doesn’t even seem to know what the fuck is going on, like his mind is clouded and it makes Jaehyun even more worried about how many times Johnny must’ve taken advantage of him in this state.

He grabs the clothes the male has discarded and tries to put them back on quickly trying to shuffle him out of the room and away from Johnny.

“Oh I see,” Johnny chuckles and moves to open the door for them. “I get it really, your own room would be so much more comfort-“ Jaehyun lands a punch to Johnny’s face. The taller male hisses at the pain and quickly cups his face. Somehow it enrages him more, seeing the other male not completely knocked down. The only thing in his sight are memories of Johnny wrapping his arms around Taeyong and pulling him closer. He swings again, fist knocking Johnny’s chin this time and he can’t stop. He remembers Taeyong always looking out of it and powerless. He’s swinging left and right until he sees blood.

“I never want to see you again. I can’t believe I-“ There are tears falling down his cheeks and he bites the inside of his cheeks. “to think _you_ were the cause of Taeyong’s addictions. I knew you were never really there for him, but this- you’re disgusting.”

-

Jaehyun remembers small rooms, being tucked away together and the way Taeyong’s laughter would echo at the drop of a lame joke. How whenever Johnny would be practicing his drum set for a random, gracious gig for their maybe- twenty fans, he and Taeyong would lock themselves away, making excuses for needing to get their singing and guitar beats in sync.

How Taeyong would look up at him with rosy cheeks when he would let out words of praise. The way the older male would move closer to him, seeming as though maybe this would be the time he would finally kiss him. It always ended in Johnny barging into the room and telling them that if they really wanted to get famous, they would practice with him.

-

“I’m sorry,” It’s soft and he would’ve barely heard it if he hadn’t shifted himself closer to Taeyong. They were in his hotel room and surprisingly enough, Taeyong had woken up pretty early despite the events of the night before.

“I’m just so-” Taeyong sobs and curls himself into Jaehyun’s arms, _fucked up_ he wants to say. Instead, he lets himself fall into the warmth that he has missed. The comfort that he had traded for almost anything else the past year and a half.

“I- I didn’t _know_ you two were..” Jaehyun feels the older male shudder in his arms. He sees how the tears seem to fall faster at the mention of the other band member.

The day moves by slowly and they sit by the window watching as the sky changes colours. It’s manipulating, the way the atmosphere seems to almost fool Jaehyun into a false sense of security. It brings memories of when they were back at a time before everything had gone bad. He watches as Taeyong wraps the blankets over his small frame still looking out the window.

“Did you ever love me?” Jaehyun feels his hands grip at his seat as he waits for the answer anxiously. He feels selfish for even bringing something like that up but it had been eating away at his existence for the past two years.

He wants to know if everything he had done for the male had been because he thought he could eventually win Taeyong’s heart. He wonders if all those times he caught the older male looking back at him with expressive eyes, if just maybe, it meant more than what was led on. If maybe, he hadn’t just imagined all the warm touches and hard kisses.

“I don’t even love myself.” He wasn’t expecting it but the response implied enough. It didn’t help that his chest felt tight and his jaw clenched a little too heavily.

“You know, I tried so hard..” He hears Taeyong mumble and it hurts just that much more.

“You’re just too good for me Jaehyun.”

And as if It was possible, there’s an even heavier weight on his heart and he thinks that perhaps after all this time,

being _good.._ was really all for nothing.

  


  


  


**Author's Note:**

> i hope i drained the life out of you guys ♡♡
> 
> ok but seriously pls tell me if you felt emotions in this?? i can never tell if i write things that actually draw out emotions from ppl or if its just like.. ok cool story thanks .. yano?
> 
> side note: this is very roughly based on a hunhan fic that made me ball my eyes out for hours  
https://bottomluhan.livejournal.com/4884.html


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